Friday, July 27, 2012

Uncomfortable While Pregnant

The most uncomfortable moment I ever had while pregnant, not when I was pregnant, but while a friend was pregnant.

In November of 2005 I had a miscarriage and lost a baby. I was still in my first trimester and had not told people I was pregnant yet. At that point in time I had two children who were alive, well and running all over the house. However, the loss of that child, the ceasing to be of that person was a devastating thing. I only told a few people that I lost the child because, not one had known I was pregnant in the first place.

The uncomfortable moment came about three weeks later when I was at a book club meeting. One of the members announced she was pregnant. When she did I felt so horribly, so sad and as if the loss just occurred again at that moment. I was truly uncomfortable. I went to the bathroom and privately cried. Then I sucked it up and went back to congratulate my friend. This was her special moment. A moment she waited he whole life to arrive. A moment that she deserved to remember and treasure forever. My loss did not give me the right to ruin her special time. So, I sucked it up and acted as though I had no problems and only wanted to celebrate her happiness.

Month after month at book club her belly grew larger and larger. She was a first time mother so everything was new, wonderful, exciting and happy for her. Each month after book club I hurt because I imagined how my belly would be and how my child would be growing and progressing. It was a very hard time for me. Only one of my book club friends knew about my situation and I had asked her not to tell the others because I did not want to take away my pregnant friend's shine and happiness.  So every month I sucked it up, smiled, and wished her every good and wonderful thing.

When the time came, my friend had a beautiful, happy, wonderful little girl. My friend was so overjoyed, so happy, so loving and so looking forward to being  a mother. After her baby was six months old, I told her about my little lost one and apologized if I did not seem as happy as I was for her when she announced her baby. She told me that my friends who was not supposed to talk, had told her about my loss. She said I always acted happy for her and if she did not know about my story from our mutual friend she would not have suspected anything. In addition, she told me she appreciated the fact that I never said anything to make her feel sad and that I always acted happy around her.

That experience was a good one for me. I have never had to suck up anything as horrible as the loss of my child. But, I learned that when push comes to shove, I can suck up what needs sucking and continue through life with style and grace. I survived my most uncomfortable pregnancy moment, the death of my child.

This post was inspired by a prompt from Shades of Social Media.  Karla Trotman, who writes the blog Belly Button Boutique, asked us to share thoughts about Uncomfortable While Pregnant.

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